Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Disappointment is a hard pill to swallow

I am not usually one to admit if the actions of another person are upsetting to me, especially not in such a public forum, but disappointment has been a feeling I have had to get accustomed to lately. And that in itself is disappointing. Even before I got pregnant with Ella, I knew that my choices with my life would make others unhappy. But this is my life. Unfortunately, several people do not seem to understand that part.

Growing up in a small town in Alabama has its perks, but it most definitely has its downfalls. Namely, close-mindedness. I always knew that I didn't really see things the way that most of my peers and several of my family members did. But I was also raised to be respectful, so I kept my mouth shut about my differences of opinion. Until I went to college at least. Even though I stayed in-state for college, I was exposed to completely new things. Ultimately, those new experiences are what led me to Ella. And I regret none of my choices. Ella is an amazing person and has truly shown me what unconditional love really means. How could I not be happy with having her in my life?

I knew that when I told people that I was pregnant there would be some naysayers. However, I did not think that those same people that loved me and raised me my entire life would simply walk away. But they did. There are multiple people that I have not seen or even spoken to since I announced my pregnancy. My heart hurts to think of this, but it also hurts to think that they will not know Ella. She brings such joy and happiness to my life, and I want to share her with everyone I love so they can experience even a fraction of what I feel everyday. I am not able to wrap my head around the thought that I would love someone less or completely abandon them based on their decision to find happiness in the way that they choose. And how do you not just love a baby??

None of this is to say that I love anyone in my family less or that I am angry with them. I am truly not. I'm just disappointed. Luckily, there have been so many people in my family and so many friends that have completely supported Ella and I. Those are the people that make the disappointment a little easier to handle. Some days (like today, well the last week actually) are just harder to deal with. Disappointment and hurt come in all shapes and sizes, but the good thing about having these types of weeks is that you learn that you can withstand so much more than you thought possible. And I can't say all of my disappointment has come from family alone. Sometimes those you are the closest to really can hurt you the most. But I do know that before Ella I would have never been able to handle hearing the things I have been told or experiencing the deep hurt that comes with learning that things may not work the way you envisioned. But knowing that Ella needs me has made me incredibly strong for her sake. I will do everything I can to make sure she is happy and knows that she is loved. Ultimately, Ella will be happy. And because of her, I will be happy. No one can take that away.


Angela Mosley said...

Wow, powerful article! I am greatly sorry to hear of your struggles.

However, I am beyond ecstatic that at the end of the day you have your Beautiful Ella! You really have your 'head on straight' so to speak and your reflection in this article shows that. You are right; yours and Ella's love will triumph over any challenges that come your way. Stay Strong!

I have faith that those who love you, and yes, your entire family loves you, will soon see how much love you and Ella have to share.

I keep you and Ella in my thoughts and you have my support 100%.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Angela Dani. We can only continue to pray for the "ignorance" that these certain people have will miraculously disappear. I am embarrassed that these people are acting the way they are. They were the ones to teach us to be respectful in the first place, right?

Never the less it is up to you and the people like myself that you have in your life now to help teach Ella that love has no conditions... no hatred or restrictions... and that it definitely does not discriminate! Only surround yourself with the positive people that will help you to instill that in precious lil Ella.

You will face heartache. You will be disappointed from time to time. You are going to get hurt by people that love you the most. Unfortunately that is life. Its what you do during these times that mean the most though. Ella is very blessed to have you as her Mommy. You are strong enough to pick up the pieces and continue with your life. You keep Ella as your number one and you keep on trucking. She needs to see that. She needs to know that she has that support that she can always depend on.

You are doing a great job as a new mommy! Just keep your head high and keep praying that those certain people have a change of heart. These obstacles are in your life because God knows you can handle them! Just remember that your favorite cousin Christy is always here if you need anything!!

Krista said...

Even with growing up in the south and being exposed to prejudice and ignorance, in my three years working with seniors I have had times I've been absolutely shocked at the way they refer to and treat the people who take care of them every day, the people they depend on. I'll just say this: the last election created a lot of tension!
Its so much easier to keep your beliefs to yourself when you find that you believe different than those around you... you know, any liberal beliefs get a bad rap around here! I think it's hard for a lot of older people to see how things are changing, how the younger generations are becoming more open minded and so many of the things they were taught are now not as accepted as they once were.
You can't let people get you down. Ella has a wonderful mother who loves her. They are the ones missing out on her life... What's she going to really miss out on if all they will do is judge her? People will always find a way to disappoint you, but the most important thing is Ella has a whole ton of people who love her and her mommy. Focus on the good things and don't worry about those who judge you and Ella over something so ignorant... They don't deserve to have that little ray of sunshine in their lives anyway.

Lyndsey Mosley said...

You guys are amazing! Ella and I are so incredibly lucky to have you guys in our lives! I seriously don't know if I could go it alone, so I am so glad to have the support all of you offer. Your words of comfort, wisdom, support, and love make every dark moment so much brighter! I cannot express to you how grateful I truly am. I cannot wait for Ella to get older and really be able to get to know the wonderful people she has in her life that love her unconditionally!